A fake history of the first manned mission to Mars

INT. INSIDE THE SPACESHIP S.S "NEW HOPE". YEAR 2041

Captain Kristof Kirilenko looks down though the window at the red planet. 

Kristof: We did it team, only a few hours left till the weather calms down. Only  moments to go till we set foot on Mars!

The Captain's statement is met with both cheers of excitement and scowls of doubt from his crew. Tatiana Arshavin, his second in command is practically bursting with glee. She has never felt more in love with Kristof until now, the Captain of  course has no idea of his lieutenant's affections.

Tatiana: (Russian) Can you believe it captain? You are going to be the first man to set foot on Mars!

Kristof: Please speak in English lieutenant. It is basic ISP (international space program) protocol. But yes, it is going to be quite the honor.

Their conversation is interrupted by sergeant Jon Anderson. The American officer dislikes being under the command of the Russian captain, but often his duty has to come before his personal vendettas. 

Jon:  Captain, there is a disturbance on the bridge. My scans indicate the presence of unknown life forms. 

Kristof: (Authoritatively) Unknown life forms? Are you certain of  this? 

Jon: (Insulted) Captain I am a first class military  astronaut hand-picked from a group of over three thousand of the USA's best and brightest. I do not claim uncertainties.    

Kristof: (Arrogantly) Ah, a simple yes would have sufficed sergeant. To the bridge then. 

INT. BRIDGE. 

The three arrive at the bridge to find no sign of extraterrestrial life forms. 

Kristof: (Angry) There are no aliens here sergeant! 

Tatiana: (Confused) What's going on Jon?

Jon: (Convincingly) I swear sir! My scans are always right. Let me just return to my lab for the proof.

  Jon steps out of the bridge leaving the two cosmonauts alone.

Tatiana:   Captain, I have a bad feeling about this.

Kristof: You must trust your fellow crew members Tatiana, we are all men and women of honor on this ship. 

(THUD!) The bridge doors close behind the two.

Tatiana: (Scared)  He's locked us in! 

Kristof: (Russian) Calm yourself down woman! I'm sure there is perfectly rational explanation for this.

Kristof walks towards the intercom and proceeds to call up Jon's lab.

Kristof: Jon! There seems to be a problem with the doors.

Jon: (Sadistically) There is no problem... Captain. 

Kristof: What is the meaning of this!

Jon: Did you really think America would allow a damn Russian to be the first man on mars? (Gallantly) You two will remain on the bridge while I as the 3rd in command will have to do my duty and take the first steps onto the planet myself, with an American flag of course. 

Tatiana: (Russian) That fucking Yankee! 

Kristof: (Angry) That's what this is all about? Being the first man on Mars? 

Jon: (Angry) Don't be coy with me you soviet cunt. Being the first man on Mars is EVERYTHING. (Smugly) I'll just tell mission control that you two locked yourselves on the bridge because you couldn't control your affections anymore. 

(Tatiana stands on attention with fear)

Kristof: They'll never believe you. The relationship between me and lieutenant Arshavin is completely professional. 

Jon: They'll believe me when I show them the good lieutenant's diary. "The Captain and I brushed hands today, I think he's starting to have feelings for me. Private Leliana was talking shit about the Captain during lunch, I wanted to punch her prissy little face in." Etc, etc. Amazing how easy it is to translate Russian over the net.

(Tatiana starts sobbing hysterically) 

Tatiana: (Sobbing) I'm sorry captain! 

(Kristof falls to his knees...  Defeated).

Jon: Now if you'd excuse me, I have to start preparing to take the single most important step in American history.

INT. HALL OF RECORDS. YEAR 2200. Mars

Librarian: And that is where the flight record ends. We assume that sergeant Anderson cut the feed off at this point. And that children is why Mars is considered part of the United Colonies of America and not a territory of the Human Alliance. This event marked the beginning of the war between the  UCA and the Human Alliance that still rages on today. 

Review: Grant Morrison's "Happy"

If you could see my thoughts in little clouds above my head while I was reading Happy you would have been treated to a spectacular visual display of "WTF's,""Ooooh's," and single sudden moment of "Oh shit!" That's because Happy is and forever will be one of the most immaginative and unique things I've ever read. 

Writer Grant Morrison is one of the very best writers in comics and his first project for Image does not disappoint. In Happy Grant further explores the power of imagination, introducing us to a obnoxious blue horse (unicorn?) that only the protagonist Nick Sax can see. The banter exchanged between Happy the imaginary horse and Nick is what you'd expect from a conversation between a disgraced alcoholic and a dopey imaginary friend to be.  

The beauty of Happy lies in how it serves as an homage to the potential of our imagination. Maybe the whole story was Nick's mind's attempt to escape from the torture he was receiving, or maybe its his journey though purgatory? I don't want to go too deep into the meaning of the story, so instead I invite all you avid comic fans out there to pick up a copy of Happy and have your own experience in the 5th dimension.

Happy #1-4
Writer: Grant Morrison
Artist: Darick Roberston
Colourist: Richard P Clark, Tony Aviña
Cover Artist: Darick Robertson, Mike Allred, Cameron Stewart, Rian Hughes, Frank Quitely
Letters: Simon Bowland

Publisher: Image 

A Boy and his Bear part 1.5

Adam's Diary/December 12, 2013
     
       I guess I've always known... I mean, who ever heard of a Chow chow that climbs trees? The nice pet doctor man let me keep climber because he has never attacked nobody. I have to keep what climber really is from everybody; when I got back home I told my parents that the pet doctor said that Climber is just the type of Chow chow that needs to hibernate though the winter. They're exact response was: "Your so lucky to have a dog that knows how to take care of itself!" I have now begun to question the intelligence of my parents.

The first two lines were written by Neil Gaiman

It wasn't just the murder, he decided. Everything else seemed to have conspired to ruin his day as well. Even the cat.

"I hate you" were the words Neil chose to direct towards the blank emotionless face of the neighbor's cat, who was once again using Neil's prized aquarium as his own personal buffet. Normally, "Ser Oliver" would find himself scurrying out of the apartment right now followed by a furry of insults derived from Neil's colorful vocabulary. But not today, today was an especially terrible day. Neil couldn't seem to think of anything other than the murder. How could they? To someone so damn important, so damn brilliant, and so damn special to Neil. "Everything is falling to shit, first my marriage fails, then my children start calling another man dad, and now THIS." - "That's it, I've had it! If he is dead than what point is there to this madness anymore? It's over... well for me at least."

Neil never watched Game of Thrones again.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/booksblog/2013/jun/14/neil-gaiman-write-a-story?CMP=twt_gu

A Boy and His Bear

This is a children's story. About a Child.

Adam always wanted a dog to call his own. He finally got the ok from his parents to go down to the local animal shelter to get a dog of His chossing. Little did he know what awaited him there.

They had everything from little Chihuahuas to giant Great Danes. Yet the only dog that caught little Adam's attention was a black Chow-chow puppy. Adam and the little animal made eye contact, and their destines became intertwined FOREVER.

Adam decided to name his new best friend "Climber;" because unlike many other little Chow-chow puppies Climber like his name suggests loved to climb trees. Adam and his friends of course could not get enough of the little pup's tree climbing antics.

Adam has owned Climber for almost a year now and the little pup now always seemed to want to stand on its hindlegs. People came from all around to see the amazing standing Chow-Chow. 

Then winter came and Climber started to develop some unusual eating habits. He seemed to always be hungry and ate more than four times his usual servings of dog food per meal! Needless today Adam was stumped. Then one morning  Climber refused to wake up. Adam kept trying and trying but the little pup would not even stir, he had no choice but to take Climber to the vet. 

"There's noting wrong with your pet boy" said the vet. "But there is something I should ask you, how in the world did you come to possess a black bear cub!" 

End of Part 1