INT. INSIDE THE SPACESHIP S.S "NEW HOPE". YEAR 2041
Captain Kristof Kirilenko looks down though the window at the red planet.
Kristof: We did it team, only a few hours left till the weather calms down. Only moments to go till we set foot on Mars!
The Captain's statement is met with both cheers of excitement and scowls of doubt from his crew. Tatiana Arshavin, his second in command is practically bursting with glee. She has never felt more in love with Kristof until now, the Captain of course has no idea of his lieutenant's affections.
Tatiana: (Russian) Can you believe it captain? You are going to be the first man to set foot on Mars!
Kristof: Please speak in English lieutenant. It is basic ISP (international space program) protocol. But yes, it is going to be quite the honor.
Their conversation is interrupted by sergeant Jon Anderson. The American officer dislikes being under the command of the Russian captain, but often his duty has to come before his personal vendettas.
Jon: Captain, there is a disturbance on the bridge. My scans indicate the presence of unknown life forms.
Kristof: (Authoritatively) Unknown life forms? Are you certain of this?
Jon: (Insulted) Captain I am a first class military astronaut hand-picked from a group of over three thousand of the USA's best and brightest. I do not claim uncertainties.
Kristof: (Arrogantly) Ah, a simple yes would have sufficed sergeant. To the bridge then.
INT. BRIDGE.
The three arrive at the bridge to find no sign of extraterrestrial life forms.
Kristof: (Angry) There are no aliens here sergeant!
Tatiana: (Confused) What's going on Jon?
Jon: (Convincingly) I swear sir! My scans are always right. Let me just return to my lab for the proof.
Jon steps out of the bridge leaving the two cosmonauts alone.
Tatiana: Captain, I have a bad feeling about this.
Kristof: You must trust your fellow crew members Tatiana, we are all men and women of honor on this ship.
(THUD!) The bridge doors close behind the two.
Tatiana: (Scared) He's locked us in!
Kristof: (Russian) Calm yourself down woman! I'm sure there is perfectly rational explanation for this.
Kristof walks towards the intercom and proceeds to call up Jon's lab.
Kristof: Jon! There seems to be a problem with the doors.
Jon: (Sadistically) There is no problem... Captain.
Kristof: What is the meaning of this!
Jon: Did you really think America would allow a damn Russian to be the first man on mars? (Gallantly) You two will remain on the bridge while I as the 3rd in command will have to do my duty and take the first steps onto the planet myself, with an American flag of course.
Tatiana: (Russian) That fucking Yankee!
Kristof: (Angry) That's what this is all about? Being the first man on Mars?
Jon: (Angry) Don't be coy with me you soviet cunt. Being the first man on Mars is EVERYTHING. (Smugly) I'll just tell mission control that you two locked yourselves on the bridge because you couldn't control your affections anymore.
(Tatiana stands on attention with fear)
Kristof: They'll never believe you. The relationship between me and lieutenant Arshavin is completely professional.
Jon: They'll believe me when I show them the good lieutenant's diary. "The Captain and I brushed hands today, I think he's starting to have feelings for me. Private Leliana was talking shit about the Captain during lunch, I wanted to punch her prissy little face in." Etc, etc. Amazing how easy it is to translate Russian over the net.
(Tatiana starts sobbing hysterically)
Tatiana: (Sobbing) I'm sorry captain!
(Kristof falls to his knees... Defeated).
Jon: Now if you'd excuse me, I have to start preparing to take the single most important step in American history.
INT. HALL OF RECORDS. YEAR 2200. Mars
Librarian: And that is where the flight record ends. We assume that sergeant Anderson cut the feed off at this point. And that children is why Mars is considered part of the United Colonies of America and not a territory of the Human Alliance. This event marked the beginning of the war between the UCA and the Human Alliance that still rages on today.
No comments:
Post a Comment